Sochi has suddenly become a word, synonymous with greed, corruption, bribery and total ineptness. Come on guys, what did you expect? It's Russia. Can a leopard change its spots? Can a 40-year-old nymphomaniac, miraculously reclaim her virginity? Can Vladimir Putin suddenly become as pure as the driven snow falling gently on Chernobyl? Uh, never mind, sometimes my brain wanders aimlessly when we know beyond a reasonable doubt what's going to happen, while we hope beyond hope it won't.
Therefore, I'm asking all of you who read this, to join me in Goin for the Gold in Sochi. I've put in an urgent request, both to Fed Ex and UPS, to have planes at the ready to deliver essential, life(Medal)-altering items to all the Americans in Sochi.
Desperately needed are gold shower curtains, gold towels, gold pillows and most importantly gold porta-potties that will accept (excuse me) not so gold toilet paper. Oh, and we need about 100 4'x8' rigid mirrored panels, with legs, to stand between the side by sides, provided our athletes. Nope, it's not refrigerators we're talking about here, but twin porcelain thrones, mounted on walls in public bathrooms, not two feet apart. I got it -- as an American on the shy side, I wouldn't go either until I had some assured degree of privacy. Advantage, Russia.
I am humbly requesting -- no, I'm downright begging -- that every able-bodied man, woman and child in Tennessee, (we are the Volunteer State ) as well as others across our great land, to please drop off any and or all of these aforementioned necessities, that you have lying around in the closet, to your nearest Fed Ex or UPS store.
We need bottled water too and lots of it. The gold colored water provided by the hosts may be a grand gesture on their part (they mostly drink vodka anyway), but I'm sure it's probably laced with laxatives and other scary things to even the playing field with the very best of the West. Advantage, Russia.
I mean, come on, can you imagine our bobsled team having to sit for long periods of time, under the possible influence of Montezuma's revenge without the comforting thought that a Charmin roll was just within their or, their too close for comfort, teammates reach? The integrity of this years Winter's Olympics is at stake here for everyone, other than the Russians, because of the deprivation of these Western expected necessities.
Oh, and we need digital movie cameras, a rather long telegraph wire, stretched back across the waters to the good old U.S. of A., and Golden Eagles trained as carrier pigeons to fly the video cards home, while avoiding possible AA on their way out of Sochi. I'm sure everyone from the West, regardless of race or creed, from Olympian to cameraman is being hacked, duh, it's Russia. With the former head of the KGB running this no show and all tell, we should expect nothing less.
I'm absolutely sure Tennesseans will rise to this challenge. Americans everywhere will then follow our lead, as we load plane after plane with all these "Western" necessities. Advantage, U.S.
And to insure this $54 billion debacle does not succeed in winning the home country, their majority of gold medals, we probably need to send a few thousand pairs of name brand blue jeans and tennis shoes, too. Hey if the shoe fits, as well as the jeans for all those poor officials kids... Advantage, U.S.
It's Russia, come on guy's, what would you expect? Their entire socioeconomic society, sadly is built on graft and corruption. That's how things work, but barely, and only how things work, when they do. With most every official on the dole, only the corrupt businessmen seem to thrive, while the quality of their products, not so much.
It happens here too, I know, just ask a former New Orleans Mayor, currently using the same type of argument as his defense. Bet he wishes he was being tried in Russia. Then again, maybe not. I've yet to see any Americans slipping across their borders to experience all their country has to offer. Then again, there has been one as of late, but he's there only as the last resort.
I digress. In all sincerity, let's do this, let's unite and go for the gold together. Let's show our athlete's how proud we are of their efforts and commitments to be the best our country has to offer. Is it too much to ask us to sacrifice so little, when so much is at stake?
Yes, it's troubling when a plan doesn't come together. It's even more troubling to know that the "powers that be" who selected Sochi knew long before hand that it was all a pipe dream. The runner ups in this selection process, Austria and South Korea, along with everyone from the West are the ultimate losers here. But, we can fix it. We are a land brimming with bottled water, shower curtains and Charmin. We are bountifully blessed with blue jeans and tennis shoes, too. We are red-blooded Americans, who, when called upon, will sacrifice their all for the needs of a few. Advantage, U.S.
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